sweet potato pie
I went for a walk tonight to get a little fresh air, but the air was so cold and wet it stuck to the buildings. I was listening for the sound of crunchy leaves under my shoes but they've turned into soggy cornflakes under the milky white snow. I tried to build a snow ball, but it just seems inappropriate for this time of year.
I thought about you all night during dinner. The table was rectangular and in the candlelight everyone looked pink. My blood pressure lowered with every bite. And it seems, you are right, food does bring people together. I felt warm and comfortable and a little anxious, like the night we went to the movies and you whispered something to me- but I never heard you because I was too busy feeling your lip brush my ear.
We talked about Boston and I found myself advocating your sentiments, to which everyone agreed. We talked about vacations and Massachusetts beaches and I thought about how, when the weather warms up, we can go together and make fun of what they consider "beautiful" beach here. Someone mentioned that she would be taking at least 1-2 months off during the summer because she had NEVER worked during the summer in her whole life. I was trying not to laugh when someone else at the table told her she would be on the 10 year plan.
We talked about Thanksgivings, and I thought about how warm those tables must be. I thought about how unnatural the 80 degree Thanksgivings I grew up with were. I thought about this snowy Thanksgiving and I realized how much I want you to spend it with me.
We talked about surprises, the disappointment vs. reward pay-off, and speculated about the role of the Nucleus Accumbens. I wonder if you like surprises, though I would guess that you do not.
I heard this story of how one couple came to be. She left at 2 am and drove from CT to IN to surprise him. When he got home, she was actually on the phone with him, sitting in his kitchen. For an instant I saw a glimpse of their life together and I looked around the table, feeling empty and incapable.
At the end of the night I realized that all in all it was a nice dinner (despite a few obnoxious comments and tense glances). It somehow felt lonley without you there- even if you weren't necessarily meant to be there. There is just something about dinner that demands your presence and something your presence that makes the meal comfortable.
green beans for french fries and other fraudulent claims
I created a diet once, in which I constructed two important levels of caloric restriction. During stage 1, I vowed to cut out everything I deemed to be an “unnecessary” fat. Included in this group were obvious fats like chocolates, cookies, cakes, sweets in general, fried foods, potato chips, etc. Stage 1 was potentially followed by stage 2 in which I reduced not so obvious, minor, unnecessary fats. Included in this group, which I felt to be the main contributors to weight gain, were butter or margarine, mayo, salad dressing, etc. Stage 1 would usually be employed when I suddenly felt a little “chunky”. Stage 2 was only followed through if within 2 weeks, stage 1 had not produced visible signs or even marked feelings of results. On occasion, stage 2 was initiated prior to stage 1 (but this occurred only during situations in which my chocolate consumption was already well under control). The genius of my diet, however, was not the stages (although that part really is beautiful), rather genius lied in my idea of substitution. For every necessary or unnecessary fat I eliminated, I created a “healthier” “less-fat” substitution. Now you might doubt my genius at this point, thinking that my ideas are far from original and perhaps were inspired during a stroll down the “fat-free” section of my grocery store. However I am adamantly against fat-free, low-fat, low sugar, low sodium, low taste foods. The methodology underlying my substitutions has nothing to do with indigestible molecules.
Consider:
carrots for chips (because they are both crunchy)
raisins for chocolate (because they are both sweet and brown)
whipped cream cheese for butter, mayo, etc. (because it has less fat naturally )
ketchup/BBQ sauce for sour cream (I don’t know what inspired that)
rice pudding for ice cream (although I had to use the single serving packs)
and so on.
The simple dogma: if you can’t what you really want to eat, eat something that feels like it.
It’s been a few years since I’ve dieted, but last night while eating dinner, I found myself pretending my green beans were French fries.
i’m staring into myself,
in the reflection of a downtown train.
the day’s collapsed on itself,
disappointed that we’ve
run out of things to say.
my senses dull from lack of bloodflow
in my paralyzed parts.
i'm sustaining damage from the
breaks in heartbeats
that got this whole thing started
but now it's your sweater that's in my bed
i wrap myself in its discontinous threads
and feel the cold air as it moves through
the holes in your sleeve, like the ease
with which you forget me.
i have a half life of a month and a half,
i'll be out of your system before this
season has past. they'll be
disappointing amounts of me to consume
before you
get the high that you're used to
before you,
get the high that you're used to.
and now it's your sweater that's in my bed
i wrap myself in its discontinuous threads
and feel the cold air as it moves
through the holes in your sleeve, like the ease
with which you forget me
your words have turned out like the map on my wall
they're filled with names and places that mean nothing at all
they don't mean anything at all.
