not sleeping anymore

sweet potato pie

I went for a walk tonight to get a little fresh air, but the air was so cold and wet it stuck to the buildings. I was listening for the sound of crunchy leaves under my shoes but they've turned into soggy cornflakes under the milky white snow. I tried to build a snow ball, but it just seems inappropriate for this time of year.
I thought about you all night during dinner. The table was rectangular and in the candlelight everyone looked pink. My blood pressure lowered with every bite. And it seems, you are right, food does bring people together. I felt warm and comfortable and a little anxious, like the night we went to the movies and you whispered something to me- but I never heard you because I was too busy feeling your lip brush my ear.
We talked about Boston and I found myself advocating your sentiments, to which everyone agreed. We talked about vacations and Massachusetts beaches and I thought about how, when the weather warms up, we can go together and make fun of what they consider "beautiful" beach here. Someone mentioned that she would be taking at least 1-2 months off during the summer because she had NEVER worked during the summer in her whole life. I was trying not to laugh when someone else at the table told her she would be on the 10 year plan.
We talked about Thanksgivings, and I thought about how warm those tables must be. I thought about how unnatural the 80 degree Thanksgivings I grew up with were. I thought about this snowy Thanksgiving and I realized how much I want you to spend it with me.
We talked about surprises, the disappointment vs. reward pay-off, and speculated about the role of the Nucleus Accumbens. I wonder if you like surprises, though I would guess that you do not.
I heard this story of how one couple came to be. She left at 2 am and drove from CT to IN to surprise him. When he got home, she was actually on the phone with him, sitting in his kitchen. For an instant I saw a glimpse of their life together and I looked around the table, feeling empty and incapable.
At the end of the night I realized that all in all it was a nice dinner (despite a few obnoxious comments and tense glances). It somehow felt lonley without you there- even if you weren't necessarily meant to be there. There is just something about dinner that demands your presence and something your presence that makes the meal comfortable.

posted by d @ 4:37 PM