not sleeping anymore

take the "L" out of lover, baby

9:30 AM
I’m wondering how steady my footing can be when my brain is actually a large vat of oatmeal- thick and rich, warm and sweet, but bearing little direction. my left arm always swings when I walk. when I was six years old my grandma told me to stop swinging, “ it makes you look like a little boy.”
and really, what could be worse.
the weight of this situation has no place on my shoulders- or they don’t feel all that heavy. or at least all, the weight can be attributed to my laptop. instead, thoughts are flickering like strobes of summer storm, then rising and falling like swings on the set.
It’s been 5 months. Despite numerous run ins: whole foods market (5X), reservoir T-stop (1X) and copy room/meeting room/stairway/coffee shop (priceless- I mean countless), no words have been exchanged.
He approaches me and my swinging arm with quite the entitled confrontation. I look up at him and he doesn’t even look real. He talked for a few minutes before I realized a response was warranted. I said the only thing I could say.
“I just totaled my car”
to which he actually laughed at me.
A keystone of our relationship was the superficial attitude he took to all my problems. At the time, I thought he was laughing with me- it being the best medicine and all. Now I know, he actually had me laughing at myself.
My indifference was provocative for him, I could tell by the way that kept talking and walking, always 2 steps ahead.
Now, if I had been able to formulate thoughts at that moment they might have been something of the following:
1. what was the origin of his entitled confrontation?
2. was he really moving back to California?
3. was he still miserable?


I’m curious. but I’ll never be curious enough to ask. Besides, I already got the one answer I needed.

posted by d @ 12:34 PM